


And This is Why We Watch Our Backs After a Fight. Or, The Tail of the Neko. Alternately, Is Everyone Secretly Part Alien Nowadays?

by Ellipsis_DotDotDot



Category: Ultimate Spider-Man (Cartoon 2012), X-Men Evolution
Genre: Aliens, All the boys are by themselves, But Not Crack, By the aliens, Cats, Garage Band, Gen, Guitars, Jamie was kidnapped, Ororo's shopping, PS we have to wait until someone's a wolf for X-men, Prof. X's on vacay, Shapeshifting, Sorry dudes, Telepathy, That's Just the Way It Is, The Milano is not a legitimate address, There's a plot I swear, and someone's turned into a wolf, but they lost Jamie, neko, or is it warehouse band?, people are turned into cats, space stuff, they're not in a garage, this crazy, translating from animalspeak to humanspeak
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27100723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellipsis_DotDotDot/pseuds/Ellipsis_DotDotDot
Summary: Okay, let's see - The Ultimates get turned into cats, a neko runs around New Yawk, some of the New Warriors form a garage band, and Strange becomes an honorary tío. Additionally, someone is turned into a wolf, Rahne and Jean learn about being translators, and Amara, Kitty, and Rogue learn about aliens. Plus, Tabby's driving, Jamie is all-knowing, Storm's out shopping, and the professor's on vacation. What could go wrong?
Kudos: 1





	1. This is Why We Watch Our Backs.

**Author's Note:**

> Yee, another fic! I'd like to say that I own no fandom of any sort, but I do like them! Also, please no swearing in the comments; I'd really appreciate that. Stay safe out there, and until next time, God bless!

Yeah, no one knew what exactly had happened, but apparently they should start looking behind them for magic people with transformation spells after fights.

The Ultimates had been fighting Trapster again, it was a fairly easy fight, no big deal, right? Wrong. While Trapster was occupying the heroes, an unidentified third party had snuck behind the Ultimates, and, when they were done fighting Glue Gun, had turned them into cats, which led to the current situation.

Unfortunately, it takes time for lessons like this to sink in, and now most of the Ultimates were distracted by Peter’s pacing and muttering. He was now a nondescript brown cat with baby blue eyes. The nearby Ava was now a white ‘ghost tabby’, which meant that her stripes were fainter than most cats’. Nova was a smallish jet-black cat, and looked like he’d run pretty fast. Luke, a larger cat than the others, was seal brown, and had brown eyes - most unusual for a feline. And Danny (who had walked to the end of the alley to meditate) was a yellow tabby with emerald green eyes.

But back to the story. I mentioned it was a bad thing that they hadn’t learnt their lesson from about two minutes ago, yes? Well, you’re about to see why.

In New York, Animal Control is pretty lax about stray cats. There are just too many to really care anymore. But, because they’re Animal Control, they still sent out cat catchers, and our heroes had the bad luck to be there when one of the catchers came by.

The first one caught was Danny. He, as previously mentioned, had been meditating at the end of the alley, right in plain view of the catcher. The man had slipped a catch-pole around Danny’s neck and then pulled, causing the now-a-cat hero to begin yowling. The rest of the Ultimates, alerted by the racket, proceeded to attempt to help their friend. Emphasis on _attempt_. They had noticed too late, and, still, getting used to being cats, had kinda hilariously wiped out while trying to get to Danny. But the end result was Danny was now in an Animal Control truck with barking, hissing, whining, and meowing animals all around, and the others were stuck in an alley. Great first day as cats, guys. Just wonderful.

So anyway, seeing as the aforementioned Danny was in a truck, the other cats gathered together to hatch a plan. After a couple hours of deliberation, they decided to purposely get themselves captured so as to get to the pound quickly, and then set out to track down a catcher.

\--==~^~==--

Meanwhile…

So, as a catcher for Animal Control usually does, the worker carried all of the animals inside to cages, where they were to wait. For what, is to be determined. Danny only had to wait a couple of hours (which he passed by meditating) before someone came in looking to adopt a cat.

The girl had short black hair and bright green eyes, and she looked about thirteen. She wore a tunic-style shirt and leggings, and was wearing sandals. She carried herself in a graceful manner, but she was wearing a friendly smile as she looked into the cages, and her eyes looked kind.

When the girl came to Danny’s cage, she stopped. She adopted a more curious, thoughtful look than she had previously, before her mouth split into a wide grin and saying, “Good kitty-kitty!”

Straightening, the girl walked over to the nearby employee and had a brief conversation with him before he led her out of the room. About ten minutes later, the girl came back with the man and went over to Danny’s cage. The man opened the cage, but the girl reached in before him and pulled Danny out, smiling and saying, “You’re coming with me kitty-kitty!” Briefly Danny wondered if he would be called kitty-kitty for the rest of his life.

The now-disgruntled employee fetched a cat carrier and handed it to the girl. Gently she placed the yellow tabby in the carrier and shut the door. As the cat and the girl left the pound, they passed an Animal Control truck that was being unloaded, and the girl could see a couple of brown cats and a jet-black one in the mix. (In case you’re wondering, yes, those are the Ultimates. But _she_ doesn’t realize that, now does she?)

After walking a few blocks, the girl stopped and sat on the sidewalk. Opening the carrier door, she addressed the cat inside, “Hi there. I haven’t found the right name for you yet, so I’m just going to call you kitty for now, ’kay? If you’re going to be living with me, there are a few things you should know. First off, my name is Magellan Niako, and despite my last name, my family actually has more Mexican roots. Second off, I live by myself in an old unused warehouse. My parents are dead and my cruddy grandparents essentially dumped me there with the bare necessities because of an accident that occurred when I traveled with them on safari. It involved a pride of lions and was _totally_ their fault, but they just used it as an excuse to leave me by myself in good ol’ New Yawk. I was left with my clothes, a sleeper sofa, a kitchenette, a bathroom, and a monthly support check. I decided to do something with my life, though, instead of sitting around doing nothing all day, so I saved some money, busted my guitar out of the storage my grandparents had placed it in, and went busking.

“I play the guitar, and am actually really good at it. Busking brought in more money than support checks, and I was able to nab some clearance stuff and donated items, like an old bookcase and some bedding that was on sale. Currently I have the thing my grandparents gave me, my acoustic guitar, an electric guitar I managed to save up for, the speaker to go with, a mic, an old telly set, a pre-owned smartphone, a laptop, posters, knickknacks, and what-have-you, a wardrobe, a desk, school supplies, my books, a library card, a debit card, AND my favorite things - a color-changing lava lamp and some salt lamps. I also knit and crochet hats, sweaters, scarves, and mittens.” Magellan smiled at Danny. “And don’t think you’ll be able to get out of it because you’re a cat.

“So yeah, that’s basically my life story. Except,” Magellan finished, “Now you’re a part of it.”

Danny wasn’t sure whether to be impressed at her work ethic, determination, and apparent money skills, or horrified that she was able to act so nonchalant about being abandoned. His expression settled on a mix of the two, causing Magellan to giggle at the silliness of seeing a cat look shocked.

Looking around, the girl announced, “Well, we better get going. I want to get to Petopia before they close.”

Gently replacing Danny in the carrier, Magellan closed the door and resumed her trek through the streets until, at last, she reached a red and white store with PETOPIA emblazoned across the front.

Why was Danny getting such a strange feeling from this place?


	2. Chapter Two: The Milano is NOT a Legitimate Address

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More cats are adopted, Magellan and Danny go shopping for cat supplies, a plot is revealed, and Coulson doesn't know what humane means.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: brief mention of Flash nearly squeezing the stuffing out of a cat because he doesn't know how to handle animals. Skip the last section if you are sensitive to animals' suffering and/or the mention of talking to Coulson about the definition of humane. xP

Well, the Ultimates’ plan had backfired spectacularly.

First, it had taken them about an hour to find an animal catcher, then as it turned out, since Ava and Sam’s mystical objects of mysticalness had become collars, they had addresses. But Sam had been captured nonetheless. Why, you ask? Because _The Milano_ is _not_ a legitimate address.

Add that to Ava’s collar’s address being legitimate (a room number from the S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier is legitimate??) and the fact that when they got to the pound, someone had already come in and adopted Danny, and yes, the Ultimates were having a royally screwed-up day. And getting adopted themselves didn’t make it any better.

A man who was unfamiliar to everyone except, apparently, Sam, had taken the jet-black cat and his collar without checking the non-legitimate address. Aunt May, who had apparently planned to get a cat, had taken _Peter_ home. And Coulson had been planning to get an animal of some sort to teach the New Warriors and Web Warriors about responsibility, and selected poor Luke. We all love the irony, don’t we? Anyway, we’re going to follow Sam to the illegitimate address, funnily enough. *grins insanely*

The man who had taken Nova was officially known as Star-Lord, AKA Peter Quill. He actually had a space-proof cat carrier, can you imagine! Space-proof! Cat carrier!

Anyway, _Boast_ -Lord had apparently adopted a cat as a prank, without consulting any of the other Guardians of the Galaxy first, which led to the current argument over how they’re going to keep a cat _on a_ [bleep] _ing spaceship_. Star-Lord argued that “He [the cat, AKA Nova, not that _they_ know] can be our mascot!” The cat, not _amew_ sed, but genuinely confused, spoke in the language of furry animals, “I thought Groot was the mascot.”

Rocket Racoon, being a furry animal himself, replied without thinking, “Yeah, me too,” before realizing that the _cat_ knew their names and knew who’d be the mascot, and promptly performed a double take.

“WHO ARE YOU?!” the explosive-themed procyonid demanded, “HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!”

The jet-black feline in front of Rocket lazily flicked his tail and replied, “Oh good, you can understand me. It’s me, Nova. Guess what? I’ve been turned into a cat due to unknown causes.”

After dumbfoundedly translating for the benefit of the crew, Rocket Racoon, and the rest of the Guardians, just stood there gaping at Kitty-Nova.

\--==~^~==--

Do we really want to know what Ava’s eating to survive as an alley cat…?

Not our younger viewers. Leaving that out. No one needs to know what she’s eating. *cough hack refuse cough hack cough*

\--==~^~==--

Peter was actually settling in pretty well as a cat. Of course, it did help that he was literally just living in his own house. He wasn’t sure what would happen when human-him didn’t come back that night, or the next day, though. It was safe to say that Aunt May would be _very_ upset. (I would not want to be in his place when this ends, though. Yeowch.)

\--==~^~==--

Danny was pretty sure that this ‘Petopia’ place was magic. There was the strange aura of the place, and also the fact that it basically conjured whatever Magellan was looking for. Or maybe Magellan had powers she didn’t know about…?

Nonetheless, Magellan was becoming well-equipped with cat supplies. Food had been her first priority, and she had taken Danny out of his carrier to select whichever brand smelt best to him. For some reason, this store had samples of wet food for the animals, but Danny refused those. He is vegetarian after all, and even if he had to eat meat (cats are obligate carnivores), he was going to avoid the foods that were obviously meat.

Stop number two was food dishes. The variety of bowls was astounding - it took up a whole shelf set, and these were just for cats. (The dog bowls take up _two_ shelves, due to size variations.) Eventually, a set of two green and yellow bowls was decided on - but the bowls had appeared behind other stock only after Magellan expressed her desire for the right ones.

After that came litter boxes, but Magellan just picked one out and moved on to the beds and toys. A green bed was picked out, and a variety of toys stashed in the cart. Additionally, Magellan grabbed a green Turbo-Scratcher, because all cats need to have a scratching pad/post.

But the thing that solidified Danny’s theory of that shop’s magic was the collar.

Magellan had looked through all the collars in the cat sections, but none of the ones there were quite right. The ravenette had sighed and said out loud, “Now how am I gonna find you the right collar, kitty?” As she uttered the words, she turned around the corner of the aisle, and right in front of her was a bin full of clearance collars and harnesses for cats. Exclaiming in delight, Magellan proceeded to rummage around in the bin, and soon enough, pulled out a beautiful green collar/harness thing. It was made of an undeterminable leather-like material, and ornamented with delicate yellow-stitched Oriental designs of dragons. It had a simple yellow-painted buckle, and was paired with part of a cat harness so that it could be changed between harness and collar. The harness was similar to the collar, although the embroidery did not seem to be as detailed. The tag ring was also on the harness, but it seemed that one was supposed to work an address into the uncolored inside of the collar. It was perfect.

\--==~^~==--

High above the atmosphere, on the opposite side of the Earth from _The Milano_ , a huge dark ship floated in space. The inhabitants of the ship were not interested in the Earth, however, or even the humans, but in another species living on the Earth, one no one but the original immigrants and their descendants knew about. A species that the inhabitants of the ship were determined to see enslaved.

Two figures watched the five monitors in front of them. They had managed to narrow down the mission’s target to one of five people, but had been unable to confirm which one it was. So they were putting the five potential assets through a trial of sorts, to find the one they were looking for.

“This one has not been taken in. But I do not think it wise to turn her back just yet. It is imperative that no one and nothing interferes with our mission,” one of the mysterious aliens rasped.

The second nodded in agreement. “Yes, she might tell someone if we turn her back now. Someone like that insidious Strange.” Both aliens shuddered as they remembered the number of missions the Sorcerer Supreme had disrupted. “No, we must bide our time and be patient. We have already narrowed our choices down to four at most, although I find three more likely. Now, only time will tell which one we are to take.”

\--==~^~==--

Oh moons, I almost forgot Luke!

\--==~^~==--

  
Luke struggled to escape from Agent Venom’s deathgrip. Both Flash and the symbiote evidently had _no_ idea how to hold a cat. The brown cat wheezed out, “Zabu! Help me!” but the sabertooth just shook his head. Internally, Luke sighed. This was going to be a _long_ day. _Note to self: When I get out of this, discuss with Coulson the definition of humane, because this is not!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw, poor Luke. Zabu knows better than to interfere. It's the circle of (helicarrier) life, after all.  
> Wow, that was a nice-sized chapter. Well, commentary and kudos are appreciated, and until next time, God bless!


End file.
